


how do you solve a problem like aziraphale?

by lilibetpride



Series: the sound of good omens [1]
Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Aziraphale Has a Beard (Good Omens), Aziraphale Loves Humanity (Good Omens), Aziraphale is "just enough of a bastard to be worth knowing" (Good Omens), Crowley Takes a Nap (Good Omens), Dialogue Heavy, Doctor Who References, Gabriel Redemption (Good Omens), Gabriel gets redeemed by the power of Julie Andrews, Gen, Literal Crack, Post-Episode: Good Omens: Lockdown, References to Oscar Wilde, The Sound of Music References, i can't even explain how much of a fever dream this was to write
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:55:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25299469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilibetpride/pseuds/lilibetpride
Summary: Gabriel was having a headache.One may ask themselves: ‘do angels even have brains? You can’t have headaches if you don’t have a brain!' Angels do not have brains, but theydohave stress.Or, quarantine doesn't only affect humans.
Relationships: Aziraphale & Gabriel (Good Omens), background Aziraphale/Crowley - Relationship
Series: the sound of good omens [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1943521
Comments: 17
Kudos: 70
Collections: Good Omens Lockdown fics





	how do you solve a problem like aziraphale?

**Author's Note:**

> why are you doing this neil? make crowley wake up in october? aziraphale doesn't deserve it! appreciate aziraphale!!! 
> 
> this idea came to me after listening to the sound of music obsessively... aziraphale is maria don't @ me! 
> 
> also, please think of signing petitions and donating. these times are hard for everybody and we need to be as together as possible

Gabriel was having a headache. 

One may ask themselves: ‘ _do angels even have brains? You can’t have headaches if you don’t have a brain!_ ' Angels do not have brains, but they _do_ have stress. 

After having thousands and _thousands_ of years of planning thrown out the window by a brat and two traitors, and then having said traitors escape from his grasp, and not even two years after that have a global pandemic – Gabriel deserved to take a break. He hadn’t taken a break in – oh, he had to check with his secretary, he wasn’t sure. A long time even for an angel, probably. 

His phone went off. Gabriel groaned, lifting his head to press the _answer_ button. His secretary’s voice filled the room, nervous. 

“Archangel Gabriel, Sir, Archangel Michael is here to see you.” 

“Tell her to come later.” 

“B-But, Sir, she says –“ 

“Are you disobeying?” 

“N-No! No, Sir!” 

“Good, I don’t want to be bothered… unless it’s the Metatron or God Herself, I am to be left _alone_.” 

“Understood, Sir.” 

Maybe he would keep this secretary for longer than a century. She was the right amount of scared and diligent, and she almost never bothered him unless another Archangel wanted to speak to him – which was too often for his own taste.

He flicked through the latest report Aziraphale had sent, not really reading it. He initially wanted to read between the lines and find out if there had been _any_ sign of treason they had overlooked, but it was unbearably boring –to Gabriel, of course, because he cared too little about humanity to actually find anything interesting in the kind of miracles Aziraphale had supposedly been doing– and gave up after the second page. Uriel read them and said she hadn’t found anything, but maybe one day –he had eternity, for God’s sake– Gabriel would get around to putting in the work. 

Instead of that, he decided to recline his chair and put on _The Sound of Music_ , the only thing that could calm him down after having the work of a lifetime –or almost, his lifetime _was_ pretty long– ruined mostly beyond repair. 

**_The hills are alive with the sound of music_ **

Gabriel sighed, letting Julie Andrews’ voice soothe him like the greatest psalm. He couldn’t wait until she was finally in Heaven, always available to sing to all the angels. It’d been a shame to think that she would have perished in the War between Heaven and Hell, but he couldn’t really bring himself to feel relieved she had plenty of years ahead of her. 

**_She climbs a tree and scrapes her knee,_ **

**_her dress has got a tear_ **

_Wait._

**_She waltzes on her way to Mass and whistles on the stair_ **

“This has to be a joke,” Gabriel groaned. The first song hadn’t even ended yet! He didn’t like _Maria,_ mainly because it had no Julie Andrews, but also because he felt like it encouraged angels to step outside the norm. It had been taken off all copies of The Sound of Music available in Heaven long ago, and Gabriel _knew_ his didn’t have it. 

He snapped his fingers and the music stopped. He snapped them again, relaxing his shoulders with the thought of – 

**_She’s always late for chapel, but her penitence is real_ **

He snapped again. 

**_She’s always late for everything, except for every meal_ **

Gabriel groaned again. He remembered when he heard the song the first time with the other Archangels and Sandalphon snickered saying how much that reminded him of Aziraphale. 

He snapped for the fourth time, feeling very close to shouting. 

**_How do you solve a problem like Maria?_ **

**_How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?_ **

No, he couldn’t bear to fail. He was the Archangel _Fucking_ Gabriel, there was no way a stupid song from a human musical would win. 

**_When I'm with her I'm confused, out of focus and bemused_ **

**_And I never know exactly where I am_ **

“It’s not funny!” he shouted, snapping –both metaphorically _and_ his fingers–. 

It had to be a joke. Even though nobody joked in Heaven, not anymore. He couldn’t remember the last time an angel had – _Oh_ , he could, actually. Nobody in Heaven had ever cared for jokes, at least not since the jokers Fell before –

**_Unpredictable as weather, she's as flighty as a feather_ **

**_She's a darling! She's a demon! She's a lamb!_ **

Was it getting louder? Or was Gabriel losing his mind? Were Archangels even capable of going crazy? Maybe he should ask Raphael – oh, no, Raphael had been very vocal about his dislike of Gabriel’s promotion to Head of Earth Operations. Gabriel would rather step into Hellfire than –

**_She is gentle! She is wild! She's a riddle! She's a child!_ **

“Aziraphale!” Gabriel all but shouted, circling his desk. “If this is your doing – you better stop it right now!” 

**_He's a headache!_ **

Wait – 

**_He's an angel!_ **

“Those aren’t –“

**_He's a boy!_ **

“Stop it! Aziraphale!” 

**_How do you solve a problem like Aziraphale?_ **

Gabriel gasped, falling to the floor of his office with a loud _thud_. 

**_But he’s not really a problem, is he?_ **

Marni Nixon’s voice sent shivers down his spine. 

“I – well, he –“ 

**_Is he, Gabriel?_ **

“He stopped the Great Plan!” Gabriel threw his hands in the air. “He’s a problem!” 

**_And how do you solve a problem like Aziraphale?_ **

“He’s a traitor! The last time there were traitors in Heaven they Fell!” 

**_Did I make him Fall, Gabriel?_ **

“ _Mother_ ,” he breathed out, choking, “it’s been so long –“ 

**_I thought Jesus was enough, Gabriel, that after him I would not need to intercede._ **

“Mother, Jesus was sent for the humans, we had no need –“ 

**_His Word is Mine, He spoke with My Voice –_ **

Gabriel had to bite back a groan. Thousands of years of serving Her, and that little brat had tried to boss him around as soon as he put a foot in Heaven. 

“I did as he told me, Mother, I gave him his throne and I let his boyfriend have the Keys of Heaven.” 

**_Those were not His only demands._ **

“If this is because of him – I also have my complaints!”

**_This is about Aziraphale, Gabriel._ **

“What does he have to do with Jesus?” 

**_Jesus asked everybody to be kind to one another, not just humans. Even your brother understood when he met Jesus._ **

“Why didn’t you say anything? We’ve been planning this War for millennia!” 

**_How many times did Aziraphale try to stop it?_ **

“He’s just a Principality.” 

**_Maria was just a governess and looked at how she changed the Von Trapps for the better._ **

“But – but –“ 

**_Is she really that different from Aziraphale?_ **

The human equivalent of what was happening in Gabriel’s mind is what happens when someone makes you aware of your own breathing. You can’t stop the thought of breathing, and you sometimes choke. Gabriel did choke, his eyes going wide. 

“Aziraphale is Maria.” 

**_Gabriel, what – yes, you’re right, darling._ **

“Oh, Mother, we almost killed the protagonist!” 

**_I wouldn’t call him the protagonist –_ **

“I have to do something!” 

**_You really don’t –_ **

But Gabriel was already standing up, smoothing his hair back. “Aziraphale is Maria!” 

**_What are you going to –?_ **

Gabriel disappeared from his office with a loud _pop_. 

*** * ***

Back on Earth, the Principality Aziraphale, Guardian of the Eastern Gate, was trying very hard to cut a cake in half. 

One would think that wielding a giant flaming sword was similar enough to cutting through a cake with a knife. That’d be incorrect. In Aziraphale’s opinion, knives were way more difficult than a sword. 

Or maybe his nerves were getting the best of him.

‘ _Sorry, angel, the world’s going to shit, let’s talk again in October, ‘kay?_ ’

He sighed, putting down the knife and staring at his badly cut cake. Since his last call with Crowley he’d been having trouble with focusing and it took literal miracles to get his cakes to taste as good as they did when he was simply waiting for Crowley to wake up.

 _The Picture of Dorian Grey_ was being read quite loudly in the background. Crowley’s idea, audiobooks. Aziraphale would tell him as soon as he woke up that he appreciated it now. He was still on the fence with e-books, but hearing audiobooks while baking had become part of his quarantine routine. 

It was… weird. He’d been created with infinite patience, destined to stand guard for thousands of years, and yet being locked up all alone in his own house had managed to bore him enough to pick up new hobbies. 

Well, not _all_ alone.

Hamlet jumped on the counter, putting his tiny paw on top of Aziraphale’s hand. What would Crowley say if he told him he found a lost cat and decided to adopt him? 

‘ _Quarantine messed with your mind, angel._ ’

“Are you liking Dorian Grey, Hamlet?” he asked his cat, just to get Crowley’s voice out of his head. “I met Oscar when he was writing it, you know? I have a signed edition down in the bookshop!” Hamlet meowed in response, his green eyes blinking twice. 

The cat was – he was nice. Small and black, he followed Aziraphale around and enjoyed to curl up on the couch and listen to him read, or just look at him while he baked. It was a welcomed company, even if Aziraphale was sure the cat would leave him as soon as he got bored. 

“Oh! Tomorrow I’ll make you tiny cakes! Would you like that?” Hamlet let Aziraphale pet him. He usually got the feeling that the cat understood everything he said. 

“Aziraphale!” a voice came from downstairs. 

_Oh no._

“Aziraphale! Are you in here?”

_Oh, God, please, no no no no no no._

He was out of the kitchen, armed with only a dirty knife and his apron, in a second, Hamlet following him closely. _Damned cat and his need to be always close_. 

Standing in the middle of his bookshop was the Archangel Gabriel, a face Aziraphale hadn’t seen since stopping the Apocalypse that didn’t happen. He looked exactly the same, which wasn’t a surprise. Angels rarely ever changed something other than their outfits. 

“Aziraphale! There you are!”

Aziraphale raised the knife, looking with what he hoped was a hard stare. “Don’t come any closer,” Gabriel opened his mouth to speak, but Aziraphale was faster, “what do you _want_?”

“I came to say I’m – wait, is that a beard?”

‘ _Has he never seen a beard?_ ’

Aziraphale blinked, suddenly aware of how different _he_ looked from the last time they saw each other. “I – yes, it’s a beard.”

With his recently acquired beard, his crazy-looking curls, and his bright yellow apron, Aziraphale looked more human than any angel he ever met. He wouldn’t be surprised if Gabriel commented on it –

“It – suits you.”

‘ _What?_ '

“Thank you?” this conversation was definitely not going like Aziraphale thought, “What are you doing here?”

Gabriel cleared his throat, his eyes never leaving his beard. “I came to say I’m sorry.”

He couldn’t help it. Of course Aziraphale let out a laugh that sounded almost hysterical, throwing his head back. Did he fall asleep? Was he dreaming the most bizarre situation possible? Angels didn’t have imagination, but maybe he was far less an angel than he thought. 

“Sorry, you came to say you’re sorry?” he choked out after his laughter stopped. “You tried to kill Crowley and me!”

Gabriel looked _almost_ ashamed, throwing his hands up. “We were under a lot of stress, okay? We thought it was the right thing to do!”

‘ _Please punch him in the face._ ’

“The right thing – seriously? Can’t you see that destroying the world was not _the right thing_?”

“It was written!” 

“Lots of things are written! That doesn’t mean there’s not another way!”

“ _Each of us has Heaven and Hell in him, Basil,_ ” cried Dorian in the sudden silence. Aziraphale snapped his fingers, pausing the audiobook. 

Hamlet walked towards Gabriel, planting himself at his feet.

Gabriel looked suddenly interested. “Is this a cat?”

“Yes, it’s called Hamlet.” 

Not like Gabriel would _know_ who Hamlet was.

“I’ve never seen a cat.”

“Really?”

“Well, there’s no cats in Heaven, is there?” 

Now his cat and Gabriel were having a staring contest. This was getting too weird. 

“You can pet him if you want, he doesn’t bite.”

“Pet him?”

“Like this.”

Aziraphale put down the knife, walking over to Hamlet and picking him up. Hamlet never broke eye contact with Gabriel, even when he purred at Aziraphale’s pets. 

“It’s what humans do to their pets, they like it.”

Gabriel raised an eyebrow. “Humans or animals?”

“Both, I guess, it’s calming.”

“I need a bit of calm,” Gabriel raised his hand and put it over Hamlet’s head, “Heaven’s been very busy lately.”

“Maybe it’d be a good idea to get pets,” Aziraphale didn’t even know why he was helping Gabriel – or Heaven for that matter, “humans use them for therapy sometimes, to help them get through stressful situations – they’re comforting.”

“Oh, they’d make too much of a mess, Michael wouldn’t like it.”

Aziraphale shrugged. “There’s plenty of places on Earth where you can go to pet animals – like cat cafés! Crowley and I –”

As soon as the words got out of his mouth, Gabriel’s hand stopped. 

‘ _Shit._ ’

“Crowley,” Gabriel repeated, “where is he, then?”

“Aziraphale stepped back, holding Hamlet close to his chest. “Why?”

“I guess –” Gabriel looked anywhere but him, “I have to tell him I’m sorry too.”

‘ _You can shove your sorry up your_ –’

“Why?”

“I realised I was wrong,” Gabriel looked very much like Warlock did whenever they made him admit he made a mistake, “I shouldn’t have treated you like I did, you’re – you’re like Maria.”

“Maria? Like the Virgin Mary?”

“Maria from _The Sound of Music_.”

‘ _Of fucking course._ ’

“Oh.”

Was this a sign that he needed to rewatch the movie? Or hear the musical again? It’d been a long time since he did.

“Does that mean you’ll leave us alone?” he asked.

Gabriel looked confused. “I – well, I hoped we could get to an agreement.”

“An – agreement?”

‘ _At least he didn’t say an Arrangement!_ ’

“Yes, nobody knows Earth like you do, and we need to work down here.”

“I retired.”

“I want you to teach me about Earth.”

‘ _What?!_ ’

“You want me to – what?”

“Look at all of this!” Gabriel waved his hand around. “I could send a thousand angels down here to work and none of them would know where to start,” he picked up a book, reading the cover, “ _Cien Años de Soledad_ ,” he put the book down again with too much enthusiasm for Aziraphale’s liking, “I don’t even know what language that is!”

‘ _I’d punch him if I were you._ ’

“Spanish,” Aziraphale answered, trying hard not to grit his teeth, “it’s from Colombia.”

Gabriel nodded, and Aziraphale was even more certain that Gabriel had no idea where Colombia was.

“See? We need you, Aziraphale.”

“Didn’t seem like it when you tried to _kill me_.”

“And I’m sorry for that, I wasn’t thinking, but God’s Plan always works in mysterious ways, it’s ineffable.”

‘ _Where did I hear that before?_ ’

“Yes, quite.”

“What do you say, then? Will you teach me about Earth?”

“Well, we are in the middle of a pandemic –”

“We can’t get sick –”

“Still,” Aziraphale shook his head, “we’re guests in Earth, and we have to play by their rules, if they say we don’t go out, we _don’t go out_.”

“Understood.”

“Good.”

Hamlet jumped from Aziraphale’s arms, walking towards Gabriel again. The Archangel picked him up like he saw Aziraphale do. He never thought he’d see the day Gabriel looked pleased, but his face lit up at the cat purring.

“I can teach you over a cup of tea, I made cake.”

‘ _Hello? Earth to Aziraphale? Have you lost your mind???_ ’

Gabriel made a face. “I don’t –”

“First rule of humans: you never say no to tea. Especially in England.”

‘ _Now that’s a bit of a stereotype, isn’t it?_ ’

That made the Archangel shut up. Aziraphale stepped aside and waved a hand to show Gabriel the stairs.

‘ _Are you really letting Gabriel the ass into your house, angel?_ ’

The Crowley in his mind did have a point, but Gabriel was already going up, Hamlet content in his arms. 

“Do the other Archangels know you’re here?”

“I left in a hurry, didn’t have time to tell them! But I’m sure they’ll agree.”

“Really?”

“Raphael will, at least, he always had a soft spot for Earth,” Gabriel hummed, “maybe I’ll bring him next time, he wanted to see how they were doing with this Corona thing.”

‘ _Next time? Angel, you can’t be serious_ –'

“They need all the help they can get,” Aziraphale said, “it’s been hard on everyone, and now there’s all this protesting going on –”

“Protesting? But I thought they were all locked up.”

“It’s been mostly happening in the United States, but it spread very quickly, there’s a lot of injustices in the world.”

“I’ll tell Uriel and Michael to see what we can do, then, we don’t want them getting _too_ crazy.”

‘ _A few centuries late, asshole._ ’

Aziraphale went to make tea as Gabriel settled in the living room. 

‘ _What are you trying to do, angel? It could be a trap._ ’

“He could also want to get this job right,” Aziraphale whispered under his breath, even though he knew Crowley was sleeping in Mayfair and couldn’t possibly hear him.

Maybe when he woke up Aziraphale would have assured their safety once and for all. Maybe when he woke up he could finally tell him –

“Aziraphale! Is this the Antichrist?”

Aziraphale stumbled out of the kitchen carrying a tray, knowing perfectly well what Gabriel was talking about. 

Hamlet was now laying on the couch, cracking an eye open to look at Aziraphale with a mocking expression, as if he knew how he felt with this situation.

Gabriel was indeed holding a portrait, pointing at Adam. “Aren’t you in danger?”

“Danger?” Aziraphale didn’t know if he was more surprised by the idea of Adam doing anything bad or the real concern in Gabriel’s voice. “No, not at all, Adam is a sweet kid, more human than we ever thought possible.”

Gabriel nodded and sat down, still looking at the photo. “What are you all wearing?”

“It’s from Halloween,” Aziraphale explained, smiling, “it’s a holiday where humans dress up as characters and ask for candy, or go to parties.”

“Why would they dress up?”

“It’s fun,” Aziraphale shrugged, Gabriel didn’t seem to get it, “last year we went to Tadfield and we all dressed up as Doctor Who characters,” he took the photo and started pointing, “that’s Anathema and Newt, and they were Amy and Rory, Anathema even put a wig and everything!” Gabriel nodded, even if he probably had no idea what a wig was, “then that’s Brian, one of Adam’s friends, and he decided he wanted to be a Dalek, they’re the bad guys, and they dressed up Dog as one of them too; and there’s Pepper and Wensley, they’re the Thirteenth and the Eleventh Doctor, that’s one of my bowties, actually,” he couldn’t remember the Eleventh Doctor wearing a tartan bowtie, but Wensley liked how it looked, “and I’m there, dressed like the Fourth Doctor, I wore that scarf in winter too, quite comfy – and Adam’s the Tenth Doctor, which made Crowley a bit cross, because he wanted to be him, he’s sure he looks just like him, even when he’s a redhead! But Adam and the kids convinced him to put on the TARDIS outfit they made for him,” Aziraphale let out a chuckle, “the TARDIS is a ship the Doctor uses to go through space and time.”

“Aren’t doctors supposed to cure people?”

“Yes, but that’s just his name, he’s a Time Lord, he mostly saves the world from aliens and all that stuff humans like so much, and he reincarnates, that’s why there’s so many versions of him!”

‘ _You’re overwhelming him, maybe he’s not ready for pop culture yet._ ’

“Humans… they thought all that?”

“Yes, with no influence whatsoever,” Aziraphale nodded enthusiastically, “they’re very creative.”

“I can’t believe it,” Gabriel sighed, “how do they even come up with stuff like – like aliens and reincarnation?”

“It’s amazing, isn’t it?”

Gabriel looked at Aziraphale like he’d never seen him before. “Yes, it is.”

Aziraphale smiled, putting the photo down. “You’ll be surprised by all the things they can come up with, there’s magic schools, and vampires, and princes and even talking animals.”

“So you will show me?”

‘ _Put on Doctor Who and I’ll be awake before it ends to help you get out of this._ ’

_I can do this, Crowley, I can make them love Earth like we do._

“Yes, I’ll show you,” Gabriel smiled, “but first, tea.”

While a demon was dreaming, a Principality taught an Archangel how to drink tea and eat chocolate cake, a cat named after a Danish prince slept peacefully, and a very tired but satisfied God was listening to _The Sound of Music_ , thinking that maybe the demon in question _did_ look a bit like the Tenth Doctor. 

Quarantine was a weird time for everybody.


End file.
